I'm overwhelmed. There I said it. Sometimes it seems things go really right for a long time... sometimes its the opposite. I've been living in that opposite for about 5 months. That's longer than anyone should have to. Sadly its gotten so bad now that I am vehemently angry a lot of the time. I know that I need a break - a vacation - a spa day, but all those things take money. Lots of people in my life laugh that off, saying "oh just have hubby rub your back". I'm sure I sound greedy or something when I say that's not good enough.
I have been living with constant back pain. Not lower back, fix-it-with-yoga-or- situps-pain, but pain clustered inside my shoulderblade that feels like a small boulder lodged itself deep in there. I'm easily hurt but those I care about - because I so rarely really let people in. These days it's hard to think of a time I'm not either crying or grinding my teeth.
So it terrifies me that in just a short period of time - days really I have to buck up and make people believe there's a reason I'm in charge of a whole production. It should be the oasis in my emotional wreckage, but I'm really just scared that I want it to work well so badly I'm delusional.
I'm pretty sure in the morning I'll regret having publicly posted this, but sometimes you have to let go and trust blindly right?