I've said this before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but here goes: As an actor and a director, when you do not come to see my shows it is hurtful to me.

This comes up for a few reasons. I'm just coming off two shows - the only two within 2011 I acted in. The first of these was grueling - I wanted a challenge and man did I get it. But out turnout was so very low. My mother, who doesn't enjoy thought provoking theatre and especially not when it is dark and/or violent told me months in advance she would not come. Fine. I understood. I wasn't happy, but I get it. But then my friends from work, who often come to our shows didn't come, nor anyone else from my family.

Then I began Divide & Conquer with Madlab, a Survivor style competition production where five 40 minute shows are pitted against each other on Friday and Saturday nights. Throughout a four week run, the casts perform the first 10 minutes of five shows, then as shows are eliminated time is added to those remaining - the first 20 minutes of four shows, thirty minutes of three shows - culiminating with the whole forty minutes of the remaining two shows. To make matters more complicated Friday and Saturday are separate tracks so it is possible for four of the five shows to compete the final weekend.

My show, Selectosome was eliminated by a pretty wide margin on opening night - a depressing shock. We got a lot of laughs so I'd thought we were potentially safe. Saturday night we stayed in to compete last night. Yesterday, I woke up with almost no voice. Determined not to be the reason we went home for good I spent the whole day finding the best things to give me as much voice as possible and carrying a notepad with which to communicate while on vocal rest.

In the end we got voted off by a margin of 6 votes. Ouch. I'm sad we won't continue on, but even more so I'm feeling two things - the audience doesn't know what they're missing and apparently I have no friends.

Our show starts slow & a little dry, but the ending is amazing. It's like the Arrested Development of the shows - a slow build you don't want to miss.

Over the three nights we did perform, each night when the voting begin all of the casts filed onstage and I looked out of the friendly faces who (surely!) would be there to support me... and each of those night none of those faces were there.

I guess I'll have to have Husband hang enough white twinkle lights in the yard to make me forget.

I'm overwhelmed. There I said it. Sometimes it seems things go really right for a long time... sometimes its the opposite. I've been living in that opposite for about 5 months. That's longer than anyone should have to. Sadly its gotten so bad now that I am vehemently angry a lot of the time. I know that I need a break - a vacation - a spa day, but all those things take money. Lots of people in my life laugh that off, saying "oh just have hubby rub your back". I'm sure I sound greedy or something when I say that's not good enough.
I have been living with constant back pain. Not lower back, fix-it-with-yoga-or- situps-pain, but pain clustered inside my shoulderblade that feels like a small boulder lodged itself deep in there. I'm easily hurt but those I care about - because I so rarely really let people in. These days it's hard to think of a time I'm not either crying or grinding my teeth.
So it terrifies me that in just a short period of time - days really I have to buck up and make people believe there's a reason I'm in charge of a whole production. It should be the oasis in my emotional wreckage, but I'm really just scared that I want it to work well so badly I'm delusional.
I'm pretty sure in the morning I'll regret having publicly posted this, but sometimes you have to let go and trust blindly right?

So I'm currently boiling half a pound of ginger root on the stove. Why? So I can take my first ginger bath of course!

I've been told it takes 21 days to form a new habit. A few things just happened all at once; I decided to actually pay attention to my health and started a couple new medications which resulted in a lot more energy; I had a big meeting at work and I realized I didn't fit any of my nice pants; and lent begins this week. So, I decided to start my lenten promise a week early. On Feb 6th I decided for lent I would work out a minimum of 30 minutes per day, preferably a full hour per day - even if it's just on the wii fit that's far better than nothing.

2009 has come and gone. I have not made nearly the progress I would have liked to have made but I just can't upset about that. When I look back on the past year I see so many challenges we have made it through and I'm so happy about that journey. I'm going to try to reinvest myself in this list, but as with my walkabout in high school I've much through failure.

When this 1,001 days are up I will make a new list - but next time I will use the list much more for trying new things than reinventions of myself. I made it hard on myself by making so many bullets things I had to stick with for a period of time. I still want very much to run a 5k and I strongly believe I almost made it last year so I will start that program up again. I found I really enjoy running outside and even more so when I bring Gatsby with me so I think the winter portion will be very tough for me. That leaves me with a few undesirable options: drive to mom & dad's to use their treadmill where I don't enjoy being praised for trying to lose weight, run outside in the cold and wet or join the local rec center. Maybe this is the year I figure the costs to join the rec center.

2010 has started pretty rough, but there are some really positive things on the horizon. I am tentatively hopeful that this will be the year we finally gain some ground and begin to feel like established adults.

Once again I have been a major slacker. Let's see..
In the past couple months I have:
Tried a slew of new recipes! Learning to cook with no oil is a challenge. Tortilla Pie, Zucchini Muffins, Vegetarian Sloppy Joes, Watermelon salad, a scary pasta dish, a veg dish which shoudl not have had peas in it - my favorites ended up being ones i created.

Taken my cat to the vet 2-3 times. (Not fun!)

gained weight. don't ask me how. i am meant to be losing weight.

Hosted my mother in law for a week (it was lovely).

Had my parents over for dinner. Had coworkers over for dinner (very fun!)

Detoxed from caffeine, it wasn't intentional but it did result in me drinking a lot more water.

Read a stack of books ; at least six, maybe more.s